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The Adventures of Ook and Gluk: Kung-Fu Cavemen From the Future (Live)
(We cut to the outside of a building before some text pops up) Text: The G-man reviews Ook and Gluk live! (After the text goes away, we cut to a seating area with a large screen at the end of the room that’s inside of the building. The G-man runs into the room and the audience cheers) G-man: Hey, everybody! How’re we doing? (The audience cheers again) Alright! Here’s what we’re gonna do, we’re going to review something, and then go out into the hall and sign some autographs! Doesn’t that sound like-? (Suddenly, the screen behind him goes to static and then to Linkara in his usual location) Linkara: Hold it right there! (The G-man turns around in shock) G-man: What the fu-?! What do YOU want? Linkara: I understand that you’re reviewing a comic, correct? G-man: Uh, yeah? Linkara: And you’re reviewing without (He gestures to himself) the professional? G-man: Is this an excuse to get you to review something with me? Linkara: …Please? G-man (Sighing): Fine! How soon can you be here? Linkara: Oh, I’ll be there in three, two… (Linkara walks into the room. Making the audience cheer) Linkara: …One. G-man: How did you-? Linkara: Simple! The Comicron-1 is overhead. (Cut to said ship overhead the building the two reviewers are in briefly. Cut back to the duo) G-man: How come I never noticed that? Linkara: So, what comic are we reviewing? G-man: It’s this batshit insane one by Dav Pilkey. Linkara: Dav Pilkey? He’s a great author! G-man: Then clearly you haven’t seen Ook and Gluk yet! (Cut to the cover of said book. The audience cheers again) Linkara (V.O): Seriously, what the hell is Ook and Gluk? G-man (V.O): It’s a comic about two cavemen who go into the future and learn kung-fu to save their time period. Linkara (V.O): Um… What? G-man (V.O): Just roll with it! (Cut back to the duo) Linkara: Well, let’s just get this over with. This is- G-man: Uh, duh, duh, dude! We’re forgetting something! Linkara: What? G-man: Hit it! (The G-man’s theme starts to play as the audience cheers and sings along) Song and audience (Singing): C’mon now let’s review some shit! You know it is my job. I feel like I’m the guy who’s only doin’ this! With my sword in my hand, I’ll find a way to tear it down. I won’t quit at all now, it’s a path I will go. But I won’t stop, ‘cause I’ll be there for you. Until the end, I will let you all know my name! (The audience cheers as we cut to the cover of the comic) Linkara (V.O): The cover is… Well you see its… Its kind of… G-man (V.O): Let me explain: The cover looks like someone took shrooms, weed, and LSD at the same time and was asked to draw a picture of what he saw. There! It explains to us that there’s quote end-quote “Flip-o-rama in every chapter!”. We’ll get to that in a bit. (Cut to the actual comic) Linkara (V.O): It opens with the main two kids from the Captain Underpants series, George and Harold, explaining that scientists think that they know everything, but they don’t. They make up an alternate universe where some dinosaurs existed at the same time as man, but no one will know that yet. The story begins with two cavekids named Ook and Gluk who lived back in the year of 500,001 B.C in a village called Caveland Ohio. (Cut back to the duo laughing) G-man: Wow, we’re not even halfway trough the first chapter and already we’re losing it! (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): The comic explains that Ook and Gluk were best friends and had been on adventures ever since they were cavebabies. They go into detail on these adventures, such as how Ook broke one of his teeth, to surviving Mog-mog; the village’s fiercest dinosaur. Linkara (V.O): We then meet one of our main villains: Big Chief Goppernopper. The ruler of Caveland. He hates Ook and Gluk because of how they always show him up. We see him going to his throne to relax, but he finds that Ook and Gluk scribbled all over it. He and dumbass guards show up to arrest them, but he falls in love with Ook’s sister Gak. (Cut back to the duo) G-man: Do you think he would’ve arrested them sooner? Linkara: Good point. (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O as Goppernopper): Listen, bub, you better marry me tomorrow, or me gonna throw Uck and Gluk in the slammer! Linkara (V.O as Gak): Jokes on you, I’m pregnant, and you’re not the father! (In normal voice) Ook and Gluk spend all day and night thinking about how to interfere with the marriage, but by morning, they still haven’t thought of anything. While going for a walk to get some ideas, they get chased by Mog-mog. G-man (V.O): You know what this scene needs? Melanie Martinez. Melanie (V.O singing): Running through the parking lot. He chased me and he wouldn't stop. Tag, you're it. Tag, tag, you're it. G-man (V.O): While on the chase, Ook and Gluk fool Mog-mog into falling into quicksand. But then they learn the truth as to why she’s so hateful towards humans. (As Gluk) Mog-mog not bad. She just want to protect baby. (Cut back to the duo) Linkara: Jesus, that’s… Actually depressing! G-man (In normal voice): Agreed. Dav, you’ve got sad taste, good sir. Sad taste. (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): In an attempt to save Mog-mog, Ook and Gluk run to the gorilla caves to insult a gorilla, and make it push down a tree so she can climb back up. And I’m sorry but I just have to do this: (In Morgan Freeman-like voice) It was at this moment that Harambe knew… He fucked up. (In normal voice) Ook and Gluk realize that this is the way to help Gak out. We then head to the church where the wedding is taking place. Linkara (V.O as priest): Do you, Chief Gooberpicker, take this- G-man (V.O as Goppernopper): That’s Goppernopper! Linkara (V.O as priest): Oh yeah. Do you take Gak to be cave wife? G-man (V.O as Goppernopper): Me do! Linkara (V.O in normal voice): Gak refuses, but Goppernopper’s guards force her to say yes. The priest asks if anyone objects, and Ook and Gluk burst in riding on Mog-mog. And this is where our fist Flip-o-rama comes into play. You flip a page back and forth multiple times until it creates a two-framed animation. In this case, its Baby Mog-mog biting Goppernopper’s ass. G-man (V.O as Goppernopper): Me sick of being your chief. Me quit! (In normal voice) We cut to 5 days later where Goppernopper and his guards find the trees cut down. They follow the stumps until they discover a futuristic Goppernopper. (As Past Goppernopper) Who you be? Linkara (V.O as Future Goppernopper): I’m J.P Goppernopper! I’m the C.E.O of Goppernopper enterprises, the world’s most evil corporation. (Cut back to the duo) Linkara (As Future Goppernopper): But everyone calls me Trump! (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O in normal voice): The two quickly come to the conclusion that the two of them must be related somehow. He takes his ancestor to the year 2222, and the headquarters of Goppernopper enterprises. (As Past Goppernopper) But me no understand. How come you need time portal? Linkara (V.O as Future Goppernopper): Well, by the year of 2222, all of Earth’s natural resources have been used up. There’s no more trees or oil, and the water is all polluted and stuff. So we use this time portal to steal all the trees and oil and water from the caveman days! (Cut back to the duo) G-man (In normal voice): That’s impressive and all, but what happens when run out of resources from the caveman days? Ever thought of that? Linkara (In normal voice): Haven’t you learned anything from the Lorax? (The G-man gives Linkara a dirty look as he draws the Rift Blade) G-man: The movie or the book? Linkara: The book! The book! (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): Past Goppernopper returns to his timeline with a robotic T-rex and tells the residents that they’re all slaves for life. (As Past Goppernopper) Oh, and one last thing… Say goodbye to Mog-mog! Linkara (V.O): The robot beats up Mog-mog and sends everyone to the work site. Past Goppernopper tells his future relative that Ook and Gluk would make perfect test subjects for their torture experiments. They send them through the time portal with Baby Mog-mog fallowing close behind. She helps them escape where they hide in a dumpster next to a Kung-Fu dojo. Hashtag convenient. (As Master Wong) The elk runs from the lion. It is not cowardice. It is love for life. (Cut back to the duo) G-man (In normal voice): Quote the raven. (Cut back to the comic) Linkara (V.O in normal voice): That night, Ook and Gluk tell Master Wong and his daughter Lan everything happened so far. (As Master Wong) You must stay here and learn the ways of Kung-Fu. Then when you are ready, perhaps you can help your family and friends. G-man (V.O as Ook): But how? Goppernopper company so big. We just small kids. (Cut back to the duo) Linkara (In normal voice): Ook, I think he just told you how! (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O in normal voice): The next day, Lan suggests that Baby Mog-mog’s name should be Lily because lilies are her favourite flower, because lord knows we need a better excuse, and Ook and Gluk begin their training. Lily attempts to do the same thing, but she vomits in the process. (The text “Plot Point Alert” pops up as a siren is heard. Cut back to the duo with Linkara looking around confused) Linkara: What the hell was that? G-man: Holy shit, I still have that? (Cut back to the comic) Linkara (V.O as Gluk): Master Wong, when we going to get new belts? (As Ook) Yeah. White belts not too cool anymore. (In normal voice) He asks the two who the greatest man is, and they give the wrong answer. They constantly ask him about the belts, and he asks them the same exact question. Overtime, they grew bigger and stronger, and Ook’s missing tooth grew back in. but in all that time, they never figured out who the greatest man was. G-man (V.O): Said answers included their ancestors, teachers, the Pope, and… Popeye? All of which were incorrect. Seven years passed, and Ook and Gluk had turned into men. And they finally figured out who the greatest man is: Nobody. (As Master Wong) Titles and trophies have no value to the man who is at peace with himself. True greatness is anonymous. Therefore, the greatest man is nobody. (Cut back to the duo) G-man (In normal voice): Deep, man! (Cut back to the comic) Linkara (V.O): Ook, Gluk, and Lily reach the Goppernopper tower and beat up the guards. But while inside looking for the portal, Future Goppernopper sends out killer robots who quickly capture Ook and Gluk. And this is where one of the plot points come into play. G-man (V.O): The wisdom of Master Wong’s advice? Linkara (V.O): Nope! Lily’s vomit! With that, the robots slip and fall. Falling apart in the process. G-man (V.O): …Huh. Anyway, they find the room with the time portal, but before they can enter it, Future Goppernopper catches them in the act. (Cut back to the duo) G-man: And before we continue I just want to say: For those in the audience who have weak stomachs or get queasy easily, this is just a warning right now. (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): He picks up Lily, shakes her, aaaand… (The next flip-o-rama is Lily puking into Future Goppernopper’s mouth. Cut back to the duo with Linkara and the audience groaning in disgust) Linkara: What the fuck, Pilkey?! G-man: I know, right? But let’s think about this for a moment. Here’s what people say when they see a kid’s comic do this: “Oh, that scamp!”. But when something as big as Marvel or DC Comics does this: (Cut to a clip from Parks and Recreation. Ron Swanson throws his computer into a dumpster. Cut back to the comic) Linkara (V.O): But with that out of the way, let’s continue. Ook, Gluk, and Lily run back through the time portal, only to see more factories. (As Gluk) Are you sure we in right time? G-man (V.O as Ook): Yeah. Look at year on time portal. (Cut back to the duo) G-man (As Ook): Say, Gluk, what B.C? Linkara (As Gluk): Me don’t know, and honestly, me don’t give fuck. (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O in normal voice): The trio eventually find their fellow “Cavelanders” and attack the guards there. When defeated, they announce that everyone has been freed. Gak runs up to Gluk and hugs him. Telling him that he’s her hero. Linkara (V.O in normal voice): Their rejoice is cut short by Past Goppernopper riding in on what he calls “Mechasaurs”. He programmed them to attack our heroes whenever they see their faces. The Mechasaurs chase them all the way back to 2229 where they eventually hide in a warehouse. Here, Gluk gets an idea. (As Gluk) Look. Me put bag on head. If Mechasaurs can’t see face, maybe they not kill me! (Cut back to the duo) Linkara (In normal voice): That’s a good plan and all, but am I the only who sees a flaw? What if the wind picks up? (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): The plan works, thus giving Ook an idea: Spray-painting their faces onto buildings and watching the Mechasaurs destroy them. They do this with the Goppernopper tower, and a large container of highly explosive material. The latter destroying them in the process. Hashtag convenient. Linkara (V.O): Ook and Gluk send Past Goppernopper and his evil workers back to 2229, and tell Lily that its time to find Mog-mog. But before they get a chance to, a paper airplane with a message on it flies through the portal. (Cut back to the duo with the G-man holding a piece of paper) G-man: Dear pesky plumbers: The Koopalings and I have taken over the Mushroom Kingdom… (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): Actually, it says that the past and future Goppernoppers captured Master Wong and Lan so they can quote end-quote “Be killed to death”! But how on Earth did they find them? Linkara (V.O as Past Goppernopper): That easy! We notice you learn Kung-Fu… (As Future Goppernopper) So we looked up all the Kung-Fu schools in town. And guess what? There was only one! (Cut back to the duo) Linkara (In normal voice): Yeah, but they probably have other locations around the world! Have you ever thought of that? (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O in normal voice): They tie our heroes up and are about to kill them, but Master Wong reminds them about their training. This is when they ask the two who the greatest man is. This sparks an argument that soon turns into a fight. (Cut back to the duo) Linkara: I am the greatest man! G-man: Me too! (They punch each other in the face before we cut back to the comic) Linkara (V.O): The fight ends with Future Goppernopper shooting a laser gun at his past self. Turning him into nothing but bones. You know, for kids! But after he does that, he and the decollate future begin to fade away. (As Master Wong) It appears you have killed your ancient great grandfather before he had children. If he is dead, then his children never existed. Neither did his grandchildren. And neither did you. (Cut back to the duo) G-man: But isn’t that a paradox? If you didn’t exist to kill your great grandfather, then he would live. But if he lived, you would be alive to kill him. Linkara (In normal voice): Uh, G-man. I think it’s best to not dwell on it. The comic’s almost over. (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): Our three heroes run back to the time portal where its also starting to disappear. They go through it, but Ook asks Lan if she wants to be his cave wife. She says yes, and also goes through the portal. Leaving Master Wong all alone. (As Master Wong) I sure will miss those crazy kids… But somehow, I feel like part of them is still very near. (In normal voice) And if you’ll look next to Master Wong’s school, you’ll see an invention shop with Ook and Gluk’s last names on it. Linkara (V.O): Back in Caveland, they meet up with Mog-mog, and our comic ends with our heroes reuniting with their friends and family while also hinting a sequel that was sadly never made. (Cut back to the duo) Linkara: This comic… Uh, is confusing! G-man: Yeah, I mean, there aren’t a lot of explanations for many of the stuff in here, but it WAS hinting a sequel. So, I guess I can forgive it for that. But like Linkara said; it was never made. Linkara: Well, we finished the comic. Now what? G-man: Well, let’s go sign some autographs! Linkara: Aright, let’s- (The screen behind the duo turns to static, and then to Dr. Insano) Insano: Greetings, Linkara! (The duo turns around in shock) Linkara: Insano?! Insano: I’ve taken over your precious Comicron-1! If you really want it back, you give me your gun! Linkara: No way in hell, doc! G-man: Hey, should I leave, or… Linkara and Insano: STAY OUT OF THIS! Insano: Now, where were we? Oh, yeah! Your gun! Linkara: You know Margaret and I have been through a lot! There’s no way I’m giving her up that easily! G-man: You know what? I’ll be right back. (The G-man walks out of the room) Insano: What’s his problem? Linkara: Well, we just got through a weird comic, so… (A doorbell sound is heard as Insano looks to his left) Insano: Who’s there? Linkara: Since when did my ship have a doorbell? (The G-man bursts into the room Insano’s in) G-man: Surprise motherfucker! (The G-man points the Rift Blade at Insano and activates the its special ability. As soon as the blast appears, the screen cuts to black and the G-man walks back into the room) G-man: Now, autographs? Linkara: Did you just-? G-man: Autographs! (The G-man walks out of the room again with Linkara following suite. The audience cheers as the review ends) Category:Episode Category:Special